Living in a multigenerational home
As our parents age and encounter health problems, we observe, pray and hold our breath hoping that what we see is temporary and will not be life-altering.
We pray that one day we will wake up and mom or dad will have returned to their normal state.
It seems that it was only yesterday that they were raising us and running after our children.
We explore what will happen if they don’t bounce back. The thoughts are frightening.
We continue coping until a more serious incident occurs (i.e., a fall; not turning the stovetop on or off fully and gas escaping; going outside the home and not being able to return or unlock the door; medications not taken as ordered; or missing items – keys, dentures, eyeglasses).
An unexpected call from a neighbor or church member confirms our thinking and reality sets in.
Mom or dad is not OK.
What are the next steps?
» Identify the problem. It is no more Caregiving 101 but caregiving with all hands on-deck.
Our parent(s) are no longer competent to live alone because of the dangers posed to their health and wellbeing.
Discuss in a caring manner with your loved one(s) what you have observed.
Listen to their responses. Let them know that there will be further discussions and changes may have to be made in their living arrangements.
» Gather information and make an informed decision. Speak with their health care provider. Talk with other family members and friends.
» Explore options. They can no longer live alone. Is the solution a live-in caregiver, senior living, assisted living or them living with you and your family?
At this time, neither option sounds workable.
There is a feeling of guilt, because they always said they wanted to live in their own home until death.
» Create a plan. If you choose to have your parent(s) live with you, please know that most parents don’t want to live with their children and share their different lifestyles.
There will be a change in your family dynamics.
Parents may not agree with their identified living spaces, your parenting skills, how you treat your spouse or vice versa, how you operate your household, decisions you make and your friends.
If your relationship with your parent was challenging in earlier years, it will remain challenging.
There are generational differences/values in your home that were acceptable but may now cause major disagreements and arguments.
Before enacting your plan, have a thorough discussion with yourself, spouse and children.
What concerns do they have?
Are there adequate accommodations — a spare bedroom? Do not use your bedroom or your children’s bedrooms as their living space until fully discussed and agreed upon.
Who will provide their care — you, spouse, children, siblings, hired help?
How will finances be handled — utility bills, mortgage/rent and food?
» Act on the plan. It may be the best decision for you and your parent(s).
» Reassess the plan as needed and revise as needs change. Think positive and surround yourself with positive persons. All things work together for good!
Rev. Jiles Taylor-George, RN, BSN, MSN is a native of Tallahatchie County. She is a Certified Family Caregiver Support Group Facilitator.
